I stopped telling people that I was praying for them. I stopped writing it in reply emails when I received sad or hard news. I stopped saying it because I wasn’t praying for them. I had no intention of praying for them. I wasn’t praying period.
The sentiment wasn’t insincere, but what I meant was that I was thinking of them. I was fretting for them and hoping things got better. But I wasn’t praying. Maybe I prayed, sort of, when I heard something particularly devastating. Death or disease or tragedy. But that prayer was more of a last ditch effort, tossed towards the sky hoping that when lumped together with all the other (more holy) prayers that a miracle might occur.
It wasn’t actual communion with God. I stopped praying in that way so long ago. If I was going to actually take time to be with the Lord – which I wasn’t about to do – I probably would have prayed for myself. Not for you. There is too much work to do in here before I can get to asking favors.
But this summer an urgent desire to pray has returned. Sometimes these things come back on their own. Not like a nervous tic, but more like an old hobby you forgot you loved.
As I’ve barely dipped my toe back in the prayerful pool, I’m learning that prayer is often a reminder TO me instead of a reminder FROM me to a big God. That’s something I don’t think I understood back in my old life of daily, mindful prayer.
Give me some time, but soon you may hear me say or write that I’m praying for you. And if I do, then I’ll mean it.
I have to think that somehow being surrounded by the majesty and wonder of creation all day, every day must inspire on some level a desire to reconnect with God. And, too, I think that nature speaks more passionately to some than others - being outdoors is a significant prompt for prayer and meditation for me.
You know you are by FAR not the only one who said/wrote "I'll pray for you" and then didn't. Heavens knows I've done it many times. This was one of Jon's earliest posts, you know: http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/02/53-saying-ill-pray-for-you-and-then-not.html
I just think you are one of the few bold enough to be honest about this phrase that is just pretty much a second-nature response where we come from.
"There is too much work to do in here before I can get to asking favors." That pretty well sums up where I am at this point on the path. Thanks for putting words to it.
Posted by: Megan@SortaCrunchy | July 08, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Good one.
Posted by: Sister lula | July 08, 2009 at 01:18 PM
I totally get it. I really totally get it. I love all that you said here because it's true. People don't like to tell the not-so-pretty truths. But we should. Because then we can say "me too."
Posted by: Heather of the EO | July 08, 2009 at 03:50 PM
i absolutely love this! And so true. PRAYERS ABOUND! :-)
Posted by: Andy | July 09, 2009 at 09:50 AM
they are right, you are most certainly not the only one, guilty of this...just one of the few brave enough to admit it. i had to own up to my own prolific yet unfulfilled promise of prayer a while back as well. but as far as the "There is too much work to do in here before I can get to asking favors." sentiment goes... i've found that when initiating the conversation with God about the needs within myself is a dreaded thought, sometimes praying about anything at all (a friend's health, a distant tragedy, the turmoil in the world...) opens up that line of communication more easily.
your honesty is admirable!
Posted by: trisha @ okieOLIO | July 09, 2009 at 06:23 PM
A friend of mine has told me that he quit saying the same thing because he began simply asking people if they could stop and pray together right at that moment.
Posted by: phoenix insurance | July 10, 2009 at 07:16 AM